High School Crushes: Preparing for Love

A continuation from my previous blog posts, “High School Memoirs: Teachers & Bullies Club: No More”, I, Ethan Stranger will be discussing about a topic that I’m sure we (including people with Asperger’s) can relate to and that’s “Love (or whatever we think it really is during our High School Years)”. You see this letter (picture, above), this was written by my “High School Crush”, we shared 3 ½ beautiful years together (From Late 2011-Late 2014), we gave each cute nicknames, I called her “Girl” and she called me “Buddy”. However she was a grade higher (she was a sophomore back then and I was a freshman), unfortunately we never got to be anymore than friends - but this relationship made me learn a lot about what love is, and how our own perception of it can be different to others. 

So you’re asking yourself “How did we meet?”, well it happened on a Friday Night, Football Game (December 2011, one week before Xmas break), I was sitting with some friends of mine, below me was “her”, she exchanged both “Hey’s & Smiles”, and by the end of the game, we gave each other a hug before departing. At that point in time I was completely love-struck, however I was new to the game of love and, as I would find out later on (harshly), love is not always corresponding.  After Xmas break, we continued to meet, slowly getting to know each other a bit better (that’s where we gave each our “Girl & Buddy Nicknames”), our friendship continued to grow after that. 

When my sophomore year came around, we'd gotta know each other a lot better, I remember seeing her at nearly every football game while I was performing with the band, I would sit with her & her friends during lunchtime hours & even gave her a little something (card) on Valentines Day. However, this is where things got both really confusing emotionally-wise, I still remember how it felt, being happy, angry, sad and confused at the same time all because I wasn't able to grasp the whole picture. She told me that she was moving to another school & I was thinking of quitting the band so I could get a chance to hang out with her more (we never had the time to hang out outside of school hours, especially for me, due to band & school work. I know, embarrassing, by reading this, you probably consider me a coward and, in a way it's kinda true, I was a little bit afraid of spending time with her because I thought that maybe she wouldn't like me). In the end, she quickly went away, but not for long.

However, after many months, right at the start of my junior year (unannounced & surprisingly), she actually came back to my High School (I never really knew why). I’ll never forget during  the morning of my trumpet sectionals (in fact, it was my 17th B-Day), she (alongside a friend of hers, who was also a dear friend of mine) came in secretly into the band hall, brought me a card, some goodies & she kissed me on the top side of my head (which shocked my fellow trumpeters, they should’ve taken a picture, it would’ve last longer). At that point in time I had no clue about what that kiss could mean: did she like me? Did she like me as a friend or something else? I really had no clue at all. However, in time, I would come to understand that it was a gesture of great friendship and care between two friends.

In Spring 2014, I was a part of my High School Dance Celeb Show & I invited my Girl to watch me perform, after that, there were pictures & she was kind enough to give me a lift home that night. Sadly I wasn’t able to attend her graduation (for I was attending my cousin's graduation). I also wanted to hang out with her before she departed to “Marine Boot Camp”, but our scheduling conflicts within our personal lives prevented us from ever hanging out, instead we decided to keep in touch through the art of “Pen-Palling”. So having her give me her Marine Camp Address, I wrote her a letter & received this letter from her (Picture, Above), mentioning that she’ll return for 10 days -  this news made me feel super excited for we were gonna be reunited after a long couple months apart. But unfortunately, it never came to pass, I later found out that she fell in love with a Marine and even decided to start a life with him. I’m not gonna lie to you, at first I felt just like poor little Seymour felt when he was waiting for Fry (Though Fry was in Cryogenic Sleep)... alone, sad and confused. I would later come to understand that sometimes things are just not meant to be and now I’m really happy to know that she’s been able to follow her dreams.

That last time I ever saw her in person was on my 18th B-Day, I was at a football game, performing with the Band, afterward, she & her friend left me gifts (a plate of goodies and a balloon) at the doorstep back at my house by the time I’ve returned home & the last time I ever spoke to her was through a phone call 2 months before my Senior Graduation. After that, I never saw nor heard from her again, at first I felt heartbroken, however, as time went by and I began to see reality, I started to feel a little bit foolish and ashamed because I wasn't able to see the real situation for what it was: a beautiful friendship. 

These days I’ve felt lonely and started remembering situations like this from the past - it doesn't help that many old friends and people I know from school are getting married or having kids. I really want to interact with other people, but I ask myself, can I do it? Am I ready to date someone or to make new friends? It’s been a while since I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces since my time with “Girl” has ended. Y’all see these panels of “Captain America & Diamondback (Picture, Above)”, I think they sum up my situation with “Girl” (in an opposite way, she's Cap and I’m Diamondback). After thinking about it I feel that I’m just scared of either getting rejected or feel like I’m just not good enough for other people - I know this is an exaggeration and that it's not true, that's why I’m going to try extra hard to overcome this fear and get one step closer to where I want to be.

“It’s over, isn’t it, between us”? - I know that things between me and Girl didn't play out as I expected, and I know that at that point in time I wasn't able to see the complete scope of reality as it really was. However, that doesn't mean that I’ve given up on the dating game, but there is a thought that has been troubling me lately; fearing that I might be rejected because I’m not like other people, because I have Aspergers. After given it much thought, I can safely say that everyone gets rejected during their lives (in a friendship, relationship, job interview, etc), this doesn't necessarily mean that we should give up, just that we haven't found the right person(s) up until that point.

From this experience I’ve learned that I ain’t no “Honey Sugarman”, and that love comes in many forms, as well as comes & goes, it may be sad, but you can’t give up, for (hopefully) the right person will come along & you can finally live happily ever after & that’s what I, Ethan Stranger, am gonna look forward in the coming years (for nobody wants to be alone for all eternity, right?). 

Ethan Stranger (sighs) signs off & to my GIRL (if she ever reads this), I just wish we had more time, so you could get know the “Real Me” - as a real friend. Wherever you are, I hope you're happy with the life you’ve built for yourself & the path you’ve chosen.